"Is that what makes me sad? The eagerness and belief that filled me... and exacted a pledge from life that life could never fulfill? Is this what sadness is about? Is it what comes over us when beautiful memories shatter in hindsight because the remembered happiness fed not just on actual circumstances but on a promise that was not kept?"

 

——The Reader 

Nelson said "I can't imagine we'd get free from slavery on Wednesday!"...oh yes, isn't it! What a damned long exam season...never been exhausted like these days-_-. Fortunately I won't take any exam (academically) in my life (based on the assumption I should have passed and will pass current ones). Anyway, tomorrow, the last exam to go. Let's just break our legs and cut our fingers and drop our bloods.

and I cannot use Chinese input in school's library...I decide to update my blog here to insure that it is still in use.

 

I left Beijing and flew to London on Sep. 26. That was supposed to be a BritishAirline trip but at last it turned into a FinlandAir one and I stayed in Helsinski (sorry for the spelling if I am wrong) for an hour and half, and finally got to London 6 hours later than expectation. In return I got 250 pounds. You see, that is not a bad deal, hah.

 

Life in London is somewhat like the old days in Leeds last year, but still much different. On the way from the airport to my renting house I thought of Yu. We stayed in Beijing for 6 years and then she went to New York and I came to London. Just flowing from one metropoliton to another. I saw the architectures passing the car windows and started to miss Beijing. In my mind sometimes there are few differences between any city in the world, what matters is friend and family....ok, stop my nostalgia (sorry again for the poor spelling), from other perspectives I do like London. It is classic and modern, strict and fancy. I like those huge parks in the centre of the city. I like those great museums which are all for free. I like the cinema that even had Tokovski on screen! You can imagine what I would like to do in the city as a stranger and visitor.

 

But now, most of time I have to draw myself back to the earth and learn to live. Going to supermarkets, comparing the prices in ASDA and TESCO, carrying heavy bags, finding ways home, cooking, saying old jokes with neighbours...take all of these as a part of normal life. I began to behave like Londoners to bring an umbralla every day, to read newpapers on the tube, to run on the left hand side of the elevator... Most importantly, I have to learn to be a Phd student. Though maybe tedious, boring, time- and brain consuming, I have started this path, and I shall do it well. The industrial atmosphere here is thick. Those master students who just step into the gate has begun the job hunting. All kinds of famous big companies are nearby and you cannot help being attracted or inspired. However, the academic atmosphere in school is also remarkable. Therefore these days I often feel there are too many things to read and learn...but I am still lazy as usual, 55.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

I really miss Tsinghua, every day and every night. And I have to stop here now.

My dear friends,

 

As always, harping on the same string, I should begin with a sigh "how time flies" and then ask for forgiveness of my laziness. Two months has gone and I did not leave anything, except some photos...But I did quit travelling for a month, too. That's my life: working working working but no progress or accomplishment -_-||. A lot of things in my life followed such a pattern that after trying a lot I gave up when the success was only a step further, and then I had to tidy up all the messy, fighting for a next battle~~. Well actually I am a soldier. Please recognize me!

 

But the time spent should not be worthless. I believe sometime in the future when I read the words and lines in those dozens of files, I shall smile. At least I did devote myself to a dream. (OK, I know most of you cannot understand these sentences...Nothing is definitely decided. Nothing turns out big. So, omit this paragraph~)

 

We are chasing happiness--I don't know whether this word can contain all that I what to express--but we are. Everything we have done and go on to do is an adventure, seeking the best pose of reaching happiness. Although no definition, no standard, no boardline, we have our hearts. Secret imaginations never fade away.

 

I miss you, all my dear friends.

 

yiyi

 

I left Beijing on Sep. 12th, and arrived in Leeds at about 2:00am on the next day. Most of the things went on well during the journey, though the underground system in London frustrated me a little--I missed the 9:30pm train for which I had booked one ticket, and hardly missed another 11:30pm one, which was also the last train from London to Leeds. Fortunately I reached King's Cross Station on time finally.

 

The new life here seems quite tranquil. I myself live in a big room, with several beautiful windows. A little too luxurious for me to use so much furniture: 1 double bed, 2 sofas, 2 desks, 2 clothespresses...therefore I feel it is somewhat empty since I bring few things with me... and I wish you were here.

 

The climate is wet, often rainy in the morning, with some sunshine in the afternoon. On the way to business school I should come aross a large park named High Park. The leaves remind me of Tsinghua, and the most beautiful season in that city. Standing on the damp earth, with some mud on the foot of my trousers, the silence in deep heart always grasps me. Certain scenes in Tarkovisky's movies flash by.

 

I like the architecture here. The business school buildings that I am in now were reconstructed from an old church. On the corridor to the lavatory there is a big floor window through which I can see the spires and the sky.

 

The biggest problem so far is killing time in the evening (really have no idea about it). Another tough one is cooking. Hope I would find solutions gradually.

 

Hey, can I be a super woman? ;P

完成一项标注一项吧：）

1.去一次天文馆。

2.看一场演出。最好是云蓬的。(done. 8.29. 无名高地）

3.看加菲二。 ( done. 8.27. 华星）

4.和公主们K一次歌。有别人也好。(done. 9.11. 佰金)

5.见gillian（女人你好有面子）。（done. 9.6. gillian家）

6.回一次家。

7.能不能凑到七个呢。。。待定啦

Since I hit the website here, I suppose I should leave something here too. And the net speed is so fast because of the 'secret weapon' (thanks to zz's introduction), which attacts me to write :P

 

Days are simple, peaceful...and numb, but I don't want to say much about it. After all this semester is going to an end~~Lots of things vanished, lots of dreams were forgotten, but to my happiness, so was the hard time. Summer holiday is always joyful. I really like to go home and stay for a wholly empty month...unfortunately that's too luxurious =_=

 

The days around this time last year I was busy with dissertation and graduation. That was a happy (as well as a little bit sentimental) ending. Now I am still walking alone and playing alone, and the days between last June and this June run like a circle. Referring to CIRCLE...I think somebody else maybe can tell a better story about it~

 

Um...tomorrow I will take the Financial Economics test. To be honest, it is a rather confusing course and I rarely figure out the system throughout the classes. So far I haven't finished reading the numerous slides. Anyway, save some rp for tomorrow's eruption (han! so chenglish!)

 

 

Key words in May:

 

1. Broke up with my boyfriend (permit me using this appellation for the last time, next time I may add 'ex' when I refer to him).

 

I still would like to say,

 

Nice to meet you,

 

and Thank you, dear.

 

You have made my life better by just being in it, though not long.

 

You know Y A H M B :)

 

2. Decided to go abroad. I HATE it. But I have to love it from now on. Since I pay too much for this shit, I will try hard to make it worth all the tears and pain.

 

Hug to all my friends. dirty is ok here, and always here.

 

 

Thanks to Seaman's words and additional call, as I told you, it was a happy moment when I heard you say that.

 

Do you still have an ideality?...Such a funny question that maybe ignored or laughed at by everyone. Sorry I didn't make an immediate and straight answer at that time. I kicked the ball back to Seaman instead. "Yes." I knew his reply.

 

"Yes." Of course I also knew the voice in my heart. Whether tangible or not, a hope (or say dream, or ideality) does exist, no matter when, where, or what choice I have made. Like a small rolling stone running within meself, though tiny it might be, I can always feel its weight, action, and even the pain it brings to me. There is always a mysterious and delicate relationship between me and it.

 

So, everything I do is merely like taking on a mantle, with different styles or different colors. Going left or right seems a big problem right now, but if I know what is the essential thing I really like to pursue, what is the most appreciated for me, the precious pearls will never be changed only because of taking an alternative way.

 

And thank Seaman saying "Things you give up today may come back tomorrow, though in a slightly different form, if they really belong to you." I hope I am the person who is worth getting the fortune, and I will work hard all the way.

 

psI: I still need airbag to appear to make the final decision with me. So pls appear soon!! Did the unlucky thing--you moved into a house without net--really happen?

 

psII: another astonishing thing: tongtong is considering to go on study for ph.D.

     so sophia said, "our dorm is full of changes-_-", and, " I am living among the crowd who are talking about life all the day"

 

psIII: the main street of Tsinghua is going to turn green!! Amazing~~welcome gillian to return and enjoy it.

 

I almost gave up the opportunity of going abroad. This morning in supervisor's office I scraped up all my courage and determination to speak out I want to work immediately after the graduation...

It is a sorry story that the life does not give me enough time to contemplate, to measure, to weigh, to take every step to reach the final decision. I really need airbag to come back and plan our future (including my study) together, but the time is so limited and everything asks for an answer and arrangement as soon as possible. The news is that if I determined to quit this year's Leed program, they would not welcome me in the next year (it is reasonable, though). 

 

Obviously the supervisor was disappointed--he indeed did a lot for me to apply the opportunity, and he had arranged the most effiencient way for me to pursue ph.D...I have to admit that going abroad is one of my lasting dreams. In the recent years I nearly planned nothing except this. 

Maybe now it is the time I have to pay back the price. 

 

I got a call from supervisor later to ask me think about it more and we can discuss it in the coming days.

 

Dear, I really like to hear your voice.

 

This evening everybody received the email for exchange next semester to France and Germany.

...

 

I eager to know whether everthing goes on well during moving house. Take care.

就是,睡眠的临界状态像是一层细密柔软的薄膜一样的液体,我的意识可以轻易地在里面穿进穿出.穿进去,是一个不可知的庞大的梦境,穿出来,又不停地能听到外面巨大的风声,清晨的鸟鸣.但两者又混合着.我觉得那层薄膜样的液体的睡眠临界状态如同真正的实物一样触手可及

A happy day today coz I received the present from airbag. All kinds of cute things in that little brown wooden box (are the sequence of the adj.  right?-_-) gave me one and another surprises, and I even could imagine how he put all of them in with an interesting smile on his face. I got the 'little black notebook' back to my hand--that was really an undescribable feeling when I read the words I once wrote and what he added in the following.

 

Spring's coming. Let's embrace the golden sunshine~

Little sunshine and lots of rains here, and I am no longer acustomed to the cold weather in the south. The warming facilities menifest their importance after so many years' spending winter in Beijing.

 

These days are full of eating and idling away the time. Every day I get up at 11:00am, eat lunch, do some reading or watching teledramas, then go on to have supper, and chat with friends on net. Life is cozy, but meaningless:( Sophia is returning to school today, and I'm missing bj a little, to be honest. Maybe I can never lead a too 'blank' life...something strange and mysterious is always prompting me to seek what is not so easy, and even tough. I cannot figure out why, and what is on earth I am seeking. Perhaps this is like everything else, just a balance, or say tradeoff, between what I want to pursue but cannot name (as well as seems not so nice), and what I give up with somewhat hesitation (as well as seems not so terrible). Oh forgive me, I have been confused by myself.

 

I dreamed of Tibet the day before yesterday. Last night I dreamed of Chengdu. Surprised when I woke up.

 

My heart needs a journey.

Thanks to tech workers, ADSL at home is OK now, so I finally can enjoy the fast linking speed again. Happy year to all my dear friends, especially those at abroad, though it is a little bit late. And since every time I use the kingsoft on my computer it will lead the whole system to go wrong, please continue to tolerate my poor spelling and grammar.

 

I have a cold these days (fortunately not so bad so far)...it seems lots of classmates got similar illness as soon as getting home. But for myself, my explanation is that I was too tired recently and certain mild sickness is necessary...and even welcome. I really don't want to look back the days before returning and spending alone at dorm. The clock was totally disordered. Therefore these days I slept more than 10 hours per day at home, to recovering from the exhaustion.

 

The day before yesterday I met bovis on net. I found out with surprise that he is now studying at University of Michigen (that's where little T is). What was more out of my expectation is that he changed his major to financial engineering...then I suddenly remembered Alan seemed also in the same school as well as the same department...then bovis told me Alan and he are dormmates!!!! What a small world!! I really like coincidences:)

 

Today, Jan 30 is Tongtong's birthday. She is only 5 days younger than me~~~so she is also an aquarious...and her English name is also Nancy-_-. How funny:P Happy birthday dear woman, hope you a big happy day and even bigger happy year, haha.

Yesterday was my traditional birthday. Father called me at noon and said happy birthday in an earnest voice (honestly, that kind of voice and intonation moved me). At that moment I suddenly didn't know whether to smile or weep (a little strange and subtle feeling, indeed). But since there are so many birthdays these days, and I usually only celebrated it at home, let's ignore it :P

 

Things lasted throughout the day.

 

In the afternoon I watched again DaHuaXiYou (and the English translation is "Chinese Odyssey"...a little serious for these movies-_-). I still could not help feeling painful when Zhizunbao stretched his fingers and let Zixia's hand slip...If I was Zhizunbao, I would stay with my lover. But if I was Zixia, I would asked him to go. Maybe there are always certain sense of responsibility pressing on our shoulders.

 

But what is responsibility...I think this word is more feeble than 'love'. Maybe it can only be supplied as an excuse when love is not enough. Towards lovers our emotions are direct and without doubt. But towards human beings...human is a too abstract concept, therefore the love to human as a whole is also inevitably abstract. We have to take responsibility as a weight, to balance what we don't want to do but have to do.

 

I wish I would never hold any competence to save humans, if that competence was at the price of departure with those I loved most.

 

...

 

At 3:30am this morning I stood at the balcony, calling airbag. It was very cold at that time. No one appeared on the road downstairs, only the streetlamps illuminated it.

 

Badly sleepy now... and I find there's no kingsoft on this computer, so you must figure out more spelling mistakes this time -_-

 

Since dormmates will return home in the following days, we had lunch ahead of time to celebrate my birthday. After that I took a haircut and took part in a Human-Computer-Interaction experiment...a little boring, honestly.

 

In the evening I talked with airbag on QQ~ yeah, it was the real 'talking': we saw each other on the screen, heared each other's voice and spoke by mouth,  not only typing words on keyboard as before. It was the first time we tried this somewhat old tech and it seemed really interesting. We both got excited~ Something wrong with his net link these days so he had to move to the kitchen, using the wireless internet there. During our conversation I met some of his friends there. lovely Conny waved her hands towards the screen:)

 

Jan 20 is airbag's birthday. Happy birthday to my dearest buddy. Across 7 hours time zone, hope you can get my bless, and go on a bright life.

Thanks for being here.

Forgive my laziness, delaying my first diary until today. Just finished the terminal exam for stochastic process. One nightmare has gone.

 

The beginning of the new year was delightful because I spent the days with my dad and mom. Honestly it was out of my expectation since they seemed to inform suddenly to me to come and soon appeared. Dec 31, the last day of 2005 was cold and it even snowed in the early morning. I went out of the Sohu Building in the afternoon (after fighting against my computer without managing it in the end, I had to take it to Ru again), it was rather chill but I still felt full of happiness.

 

The taxi driver redused to take me downtown, so I had to use subway. Located myself among the crowds, I could see all kinds of expressions on people's faces. Though it was a little earlier than normal for rush hour, they went back from work due to the special day. All the people looked tired but pleased.

 

That night we walked on the Wangfujing Avenue and did some window shopping. As I grow up I begin to cherish the moments shared with my parents. I gradually get to know that it is the time that they need my care, more than the converse.

 

When the new year began I lay on the bed, closing my eyes in the darkness. I spoke the words by heart, happy new year, happy new year. Can you hear it?

are my eyes. But during the time I wondered whether it is worth shedding tears, the tears disappeared. haha.

 

Thanks to debbie:)

Something is wrong with my computer so these days I am leading a life without it and of course internet. No wonder why I get to sleep early and start to read that thick book of advanced microecnomics (though I ought to have read it long before...). Some bad news I get is that all the emails I saved in microsoft outlook are gone...really a tragedy:(

 

I planned to write something long about my 2005 in this blog before my computer was sent to mend, and I actually started it. But it has to be delayed now.

 

Christmas Day is at hand. In the past, there were several 'golden days' in my opinion every winter. They were: Christmas Day, Spring Festival and my birthday. New Year Day... since it is always squeezed among the terminal exams, I seldom could feel excited about it. And valentine's day...unfortunely I really have never spent once that day with a lover! hehe. During undergraduate days when Christmas Day came, the girls in my dorm would go out to have a big dinner--we seemed to never give up finding excuse to celebrate a single festival, by the means of eating-_-.

 

Last year's Christmas Eve I attended the get-together of Thamovie. Although I had to say that the experience in Big Pizza was terrible (it was really, tremendously, crowded), I liked the talking later in 'Blue Goat Cafe'. Beginning with the atmosphere of a little silent and tedious, we came to warm up and finally had a somewhat deep and interesting discussion. Honestly speaking I knew few people then (but most of them knew each other well), and it seemed that I spent most of time listening to others, however, I felt happy (how BT).

 

Oh when writing I remember another thing, Twist's birthday is rightly on Christmas Day! Cute little T, may you a big happy birthday in USA! I really miss your smile, and the lovely look in that funny hat last year is still in my mind~~ All the friends here are with you, just as we spent happy time together last birthday.

A little warmer compared with recent days, but I do wear more and more-_-...I have no longer been that little girl who could endure extraordinary chillness and get through the whole winter with only one jean. This winter is a little strange: first warm and no snow at all, while at the begiinning of Dec suddenly reduced to an 'ice house'--the sharp wind indeed drew me mad--but still no indication of snow...Where do the god hide those little white hexagons?

 

I feel tired these days, though I cannot figure out any progress. Sometimes after being waken up by the alarm I would spend a long time to realize what the time on mobile screen meant to me, and what urgent was waiting for me to do. Those seconds were really horrible. It seemed that I suddenly lost my memory and consciousness, lying in the bed, staring at the time with total blank.

 

This afternoon I helped Reebior with his dv, a short love story. I like Reebior because of the passion and creativity on him, from which a sense of young and lasting dream can be felt. The process of screening was a little tedious, since we had to repeat one scene again and again. I still cannot understand the story quite well, or say I try to find something deeper and more interesting from it. Maybe I should spend more time thinking of it.